Something changed between us. When did fantasies inch him out of my dreams? Were happy together and weve got a million interests in com mon, but I just dont lust after him like I used to. He thinks Ive got a sexual problem, but I think my feelings are normalthat after being married for a while, you just lose the passion. I dont think he really tries to be sexual with me eitherhe just wants to fall into sex before rolling over into sleep. I dont know where the passion went. I miss it, but its too hard to figure out how to fix it. Copyright 2012 The Guilford Press Most couples experience a decrease in passionate feelings after the first or second year of partnership. You no longer exaggerate your partners strengths, and youre left with a life-sized lover. Sex can take a nosedive.

The drop in sexual frequency can occur for many reasons. When a couple is together over time, the sense of urgency about sex drops. The novelty wears off and affection is more frequent than passion. Both Helen Fisher in her research on roman tic love (Why We Love) and Esther Perel in her writing about couples in long-term partnerships (Mating in Captivity) address the changes that occur in many partner ships over time (Fisher, 2004; Perel, 2007). Although boredom may be part of the problem, there is also the reality that new relationships allow fewer distractions and often rely on sex to cement the partnership. Once you feel secure in a relationship, other demandshousehold tasks, career, family, and friendsrequire attention and create fatigue. Fisher points out that romantic love is like a reward system and, once attained, is followed by a shift in the relationship. Perel describes the dynamic ten sion between the comfort of intimate attachment and the unpredictability and ten sion of

Simply stated, if you want passion, you must expect the unexpected and not presume to know what will happen next. It is the tension and thrill of not knowing that drives passion, and it is the comfort and predictability that grows inti macy. Long-term relationships will need to create ways to promote both intimacy and passion. Barry McCarthy, in his book Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style: Shar ing Desire, Pleasure, and Satisfaction, gives an excellent description of the different ways that couples may choose to be sexual (McCarthy & McCarthy, 2009).

Women often tell us how unsatisfying their sex lives have become. They wish their partners were better lovers or that they had more time for touching and getting Adult Sexuality turned on. They feel that if they weighed less, slept more, and had another 3 hours in the day, there would be time for sex and the sex would be better. Women tell us they feel more powerful and competent in managing their careers and household schedules than their love lives. Women claim they have bad sex because of a busy life, no life, or a lifeless partner. Sexual problems like low sexual desire, sexual pain, anorgasmia (inability to have an orgasm), or sexual boredom can develop in any relationship. These prob lems can be the result of life stressors, tension in the relationship, or old fears and inhibitions reappearing once the intense passion and feelings of new love have subsided.