In my ongoing work with couples, I have found that this tell me more part of the mirroring exercise is one of the keys to its success. When you ask your partner to continue talking, it sends the message that you care about your partners inner experience. This deepens the sense of connection between you. You benefit in another way as well, because you gain enough additional information about your partner that you can more fully comprehend his or her point of view. Meanwhile, your partner discovers that being encouraged to keep on talking can bring up thoughts and feelings that he or she hasnt been able to put into words before. Saying them out loud at long last helps your partner integrate them into his or her sense of self and become more whole.

Although mirroring is a relatively straightforward process, it is very different from the way that couples normally talk to each other, a phenomenon which might be called a parallel monologue. Breaking the old habits can require a great deal of practice. Heres an example of the common problems that people have with mirroring (its also a good example of a parallel monologue). The conversation took place at an Imago Workshop when I asked a couple to volunteer to come to the front of the group and talk about a sensitive issue, just as they would at home. Greg and Sheila, a young couple who had been living together for only a few months, volunteered. Greg started the conversation. GREG: Sheila, Im really bothered by your smoking, and Id like you to be more considerate when you smoke around me. Because I had yet to introduce Sheila and Greg to the mirroring exercise,

Sheila followed her natural instincts and responded with an automatic defense. SHEILA: You knew that I smoked when you asked me to live with you. You accepted that fact in the beginning. Why are you always so critical of me? You should accept me as I am. You know that Im trying to cut down. Greg, operating on automatic pilot, returned her remarks with an intensified criticism. The conversation was turning into a tennis match. GREG: I acknowledge your efforts to smoke less. But I find it interesting that, when we come here and the sign in the dining room says No Smoking, you follow it. Yet I feel invaded at home with the smell of tobacco smoke all over the place. SHEILA: Well, this is not my home. And I feel I have a right to smoke

Sheila delivered this last message with some force, and there was a smattering of applause from the crowd. The score was love-fifteen. It was time for me to referee. HENDRIX: OK. Lets start this all over again and see if we can turn it into an exercise in connection, not confrontation. Greg, would you repeat your opening statement? GREG: Im really glad that were making a home together, but, with regard to your smoking, when we joined together I didnt realize how difficult it was going to be for me. HENDRIX: OK. Now I would like you to simplify that statement so it will be easier to understand. GREG: Lets see . Your smoking bothers me. I didnt think it would at first, but it does. HENDRIX: Good. Now, Sheila, I want you to paraphrase Greg, trying to mirror his feelings and thoughts without criticizing him or defending yourself. Then I want you to ask Greg if you have heard him correctly.